Bleach One Shots: 5 ways to take out Aizen
by Zeoniu Zekial Kal Leos
Summary: Five short, hopefully humorous, one shots of various ways the Aizen situation could have been handled. This story is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form.
1. Chapter 1

Bleach One Shots  
5 ways to take out Aizen.  
Take One: The Vaizard no one knew.

Around Aizen Sosuke lay the last hopes Soul Society, and the human world, had. Ichigo Kurosaki, Chad, Orihime, Uryuu, each of the remaining Gotei 13 captains and vice captains, all but one were defeated. Captain-commander Yamamoto stood steadfast before the traitor, cane in hand.

A handful of the espada were in similar, if slightly better, conditions then the shinigami and such on the ground, barely standing behind Aizen, the man with out fear.

Yamamoto, slowly pushed himself up straight, no longer leaning against his staff, staring at Aizen with no small amount of loathing. "You have lost, captain-commander. Do not strain yourself or I will have no option but to end you as well." Aizen said softly, a self-satisfied smile on his face.

"..." without a word, Yamamoto slowly rose a hand before his face, head down cast and eyes closed.

And a moment later a white mask began forming over the captain-commanders face.

Aizens composure fell as he openly took a step back. "What.. in the hell?" he demanded.

"_Hell is precisely where I shall send you, Aizen Sosuke_." without another word, the greatest threat to either world was ended in an instant, the burning flames of Ryujin Jakka engulfing the leader of Hueco Mundo and his espada before anyone else could make a move.

Precisely three seconds later the mask cracked. "Damn thing still won't last."


	2. Chapter 2

Bleach One Shots  
5 ways to take out Aizen.  
Take two: I reject your reality and substitute my own!  
As Aizen showed Orihime the Hōgyoku, explaining her magnificent powers of rejection, a subtle idea began forming in her head.

All the while he prattled on about how great her power was, how useful it would be to him, and the Hōgyoku, giving a minor lecture on its abilities to break down the barriers between shinigami and hollow, the idea grew.

Finally, after nearly ten minutes, he got around to the point. "And I need your power, Orihime. You will... use that power of yours for me, won't you?" he asked rhetorically, already knowing the answer.

But if he had been paying closer attention to her, rather than himself, he might have noticed the subtle hints in time to prevent what occurred.

"Sōten Kisshun!" with a low cry, she summoned Ayame and Shun'ō to form a half-oval barrier around Aizen. His eyes widened slightly before his skin began rapidly peeling off and falling, fading away. He could do nothing to prevent it, as within seconds, there was nothing left of the former captain, not a single trace he had ever existed. Because now he never had.

In moments Ulquiorra shot forward at her, but with a glance, she redirected the barrier onto the fourth espada, encapturing him within it and likewise rendering his existence moot.

By the time Ichigo, Chad, Uryuu, Renji, and Rukia arrived to rescue her, Orihime had wiped out every last trace of the espada, arrancar, and hollows in general within Los Noches.


	3. Chapter 3

Bleach One Shots

5 ways to take out Aizen.

Take Three: Tea, anyone?

In the meeting room of the esapada, deep within Los Noches, the gathered thirteen figures sat in their own chairs. Ten, hollows. Three, shinigami.

As Aizen sosuke shifts comfortably in his own chair at the head of the table before them all, he smiles pleasantly and asks in a soft tone, "Would any of you like a cup of tea?" obviously, none of the esapada disagree, not even Grimmjow or Yammy, though it is obvious they find the idea repulsive.

To Aizens left, Tosen reluctantly accepts a cup. To his right, Gin casually declines. "Ah, thanks, but I find th' tastes not to my likin'." he responds without his usual grin, actually going so far as to frown.

Tosen snaps to his feet. "How dare you refuse Aizen-samas gracious offering!" the blind shinigami nearly growls. Gin shrugs his shoulders, but says nothing further.

Aizen sighs and flares his reiatsu briefly. "Thank you, Tosen-san. Please be seated. You are desturbing our tea time." he requests in his same soft tone, looking relaxed as usual. Tosen flinchs and bows, muttering forgiveness, then seats himself again.

"Gin, we will discuss your offense at a later time. Earl Gray is the most flavorful of all teas within Hueco Mundo." Aizen says with a hint of steel in his tone. Gin shrugs but again remains silent. With that, he allowed his reiatsu to die down once more, smiling again.

The espada had watched this exchange quietly, one or two hoping for the two shinigami on Aizen-samas side to take each other out, but let out low sighs of disappointment when nothing further occurs. With a slight cough, they are reminded of the cups of tea before them and quickly down it in one or two gulps, only Szayel savoring it.

Aizen brought the cup before his lips and took one small sip before pausing in mid-gulp, eyes glancing down at the murky substance, then up towards the espada, and finally to Gin, who has taken several steps away with shunpo.

"What... have you... _poisoned _me?" Aizen demanded in a broken tone as his sense of time began slowing to a crawl. His thought process became agonizingly halted, his body unable to respond to his commands.

The others at the table had likewise frozen up as Aizen had, suffering the same results. Gin shrugged casually once more at Aizens question. "Just choosin' the right side. Little drug th' freaks at squad 12 whipped up for ya!" the usual grin was on the silver haired mans face.

Several minutes later, and not one other figure remained alive within the room. Gins grin grew wider as he glanced down at his blood-soaked outfit, then to the lead position at the table. "All that braggin', and look how easy ya went down, Aizen." the former captain of squad 5 could hardly be considered a man still. Infact, indentifying his remains as even vaguely humanoid would require quite the stretch of the imagination!


	4. Chapter 4

Bleach One Shots

5 ways to take out Aizen.

Take Four: The straw is mightier than the sword?

It came down to this, above the dome of Los Noches. Aizen was surrounded by the last of his force's. Gin Ichimaru and Tosen flanked him on either side, with the final three Espada before him. Ichigo's blade was still in it's sealed state, hanging off his back, yet in his left hand he held a simple piece of field straw. He held it up before the others and began speaking.

"Did you know, in the human world, a piece of straw like this can pierce a foot thick telephone pole, if it has enough speed pushing it? A flexible, easy to tear, weak little thing like this... piercing and coming out the back of a foot thick, heavy, dense slab of wood." as he spoke he flexed the straw, bending it back and forth and rolling it up, even breaking a piece off the end.

The other's watched him in cool silence. "Oh, yes, I do have a point behind this." Ichigo added, seeing their look's of annoyance and slight curiosity.

"Here, let me give you a demonstration." he tugged his zanpakutō off his back and held it before his body as it entered it's shikai state, then chanted "Ban Kai." Within moment's, his outfit had changed and his blade had become sleeker and longer, a deep black.

Stabbing the blade down into the dome, he flipped the piece of straw over and asked "Would any of you care to volunteer as the pole?" he asked. The Espada glanced at one another, and Stark lazily walked forward. "Ah, very good. Now just walk a couple of feet to the left, hold your hand out before your face.. yes, like that..." Ichigo instructed, then vanished from sight briefly with the art of shunpo, or flash step.

When he reappeared less than a second later, the straw was gone from his hand. A tiny hole had been drilled through the first ranked Espada's left hand and then through his head, then gone on to smash through Baragan's crown and out the back, finishing partway through Aizen's forehead.

The two Espada and the leader of Hueco Mundo collapsed to the ground as Halibel, Gin, and Tosen stared in full on, open mouthed, disbelief.

"Now, if I can do that with just a piece of _straw_, who wants to see what I can do with Zangetsu? Huh, huh??" Ichigo asked excitedly.


	5. Chapter 5

Bleach One Shots

5 ways to take out Aizen.

Take Five: A mind of its own.

Aizen stood in the center of Las Noches, with all of the Arrancar and original Espada gathered around him. He had just arrived from betraying Soul Society. "This, my friends," Aizen began and raised his right fist into the air. He unfolded his fingers to allow the Orb of Distortion, or Hōgyoku, to show, "this is the key to your next step on the path of evolution."

The gathered hollows stirred restlessly, a hunger gleaming in their eyes at those words and the sensual tone the shinigami before them spoke in.

"Watch as I awaken it, and in turn, _you_." Aizen stated in a soft voice that still managed to carry all the way to the back of the large room. He turned his attention to the Hōgyoku and began bleeding his reiatsu, his spirits energy into it. The tiny black orb took on a low gleam of energy as Aizen pumped up to half his reiatsu forward, then began slowing the flow down.

Or so he tried. The shine became brighter as the Hōgyoku greedily sucked Aizens reiatsu down, absorbing it at a far faster rate than the former captain could keep up. "_N... No... _" the only words Aizen was capable of getting out as his body began to age rapidly before their eyes.

The fear radiating in his own and from his form, no longer able to be suppressed, began amping up up the not-so-under control hollows.

And still the Hōgyoku drew in Aizens reiatsu, until his aged body had no more left to give. And when that happened, the bright gleam died down somewhat, leaving the ancient and withered looking betrayer standing before hundreds of hungry hollows, with not a drop of power in him to fight them off. "_Sh_.. _atter!_" Aizen rasped, struggling to lift his Zanpakutō.

And that was all it took to trigger the feast.

In the skirmish that followed Aizens failed release command, both Gin and Tosen were pinned down by a group of Espada and devoured before they could retaliate successfully. The fight was over in seconds, but the feast lasted far, far longer.

And no one noticed as the Hōgyoku found itself rolling along the floor, nimbly avoiding the many hundreds of feet coming down around it, not even as it rolled into a set of shadows and the tale-tell gleam vanished from sight.

* * *

Kisuke Urahara whistled a happy tune to himself behind his fan, walking through the white sands of Hueco Mundo. Clasped in his spare hand, which was wearing a special black reiatsu negating glove, was the replica Hōgyoku. Not even he would be eccentric enough to store the _real_ thing within Rukias body!

* * *

A/N: I'd just like to take this time to thank my reviewers. I hope you were entertained by these short one-shots and got your fair share of laughs in along the way! Thanks for reading.~ZZKL.


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